


Fight Fear for the Selfish Pain

by Writing_in_SIN



Series: Clarity [3]
Category: Kamen Rider - All Media Types, Kamen Rider Build, Kamen Rider Ex-Aid
Genre: Angst and Feels, Anxiety Attacks, Emotional Hurt/Comfort, Gen, Heisei Generations Final, Hinata Kyoutarou is Best Dad, Houjou Emu Needs A Hug, Hurt/Comfort, Life Partners, Panic Attacks, Parad is still missing and Emu is NOT okay, Poppy is a Great Friend, Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder - PTSD, Soul Bond
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-12-20
Updated: 2020-04-01
Packaged: 2021-02-24 16:35:22
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 3
Words: 7,929
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/21861046
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Writing_in_SIN/pseuds/Writing_in_SIN
Summary: With Parad still missing after Build's ambush, Emu feels the cold settling into his bones from the fear and pain of Parad's absence. Even though he's trying to be hopeful, Emu knows very well that he's falling apart.
Relationships: Houjou Emu & Hinata Kyoutarou, Houjou Emu & Parad (Kamen Rider Ex-Aid), Houjou Emu & Poppy Pipopapo, Houjou Emu/Parad
Series: Clarity [3]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/1525055
Comments: 16
Kudos: 85





	1. Morning of the 23rd

**Author's Note:**

> WARNING: While the fic is Gen, what the relationship between Emu and Parad is up to your interpretation. Honestly speaking, I see their relationship as something that not only has no definition but is actually BEYOND definition; literally something that's beyond their very identity. I mean, how do you define a relationship of two people that have a connection similar to that of a soul bond? Or even to that of Twin Flames? So how you want to see their relationship as is up to you.
> 
> Do I ship ParaEmu? YES, ABSOLUTELY!
> 
> But that doesn't mean everyone does so, how you wanna see them is up to you readers. Just keep in mind that whenever I write the relationship between Emu and Parad, it's going to be intimate because of the reasons I've mentioned above.
> 
> Anyway, please read the tags in case if there's something that you may not like and hope you'll enjoy the fic.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> If you like, come scream at me on [Tumblr](https://writing-in-sin.tumblr.com) or [Twitter](https://twitter.com/Writing_in_SIN)

* * *

**SEPTEMBER 23RD, 2018: MORNING**

* * *

Never before has Emu ever been grateful for a Sunday.

For the longest time, Emu stares up at the ceiling of his bedroom inside his too silent apartment. He's still in yesterday's clothes and his eyes feel bloodshot from crying. There are still tear tracks on his face and he feels too numb to even move. It's still unclear how he managed to get himself back to his apartment but honestly, Emu can't bring himself to care.

On the bedside table, his phone chimes with a new message.

Fumbling in the dark, he almost drops his phone from how badly his hand is trembling. A quick check shows him that it's a message from Poppy; updating him about Sasagawa (their recent game disease patient that he and Parad were assigned to help yesterday) and feeling a wash of relief flowing through him as he reads that Sasagawa is cured and discharged just moments ago.

"Thank goodness," he mumbles and for a moment, he forgets himself and smiles as a hand comes up to press against his heart. "We did it, Parad."

When there's only silence, Emu feels his smile vanishing before an inexplicable well of emotions bursts up inside of him like a geyser. Short of breath and before he can stop himself, Emu throws his phone against the wall with a choked scream.

Emu clutches his hair, eyes screwing shut.

Heaving gulps of air and still feeling like he can't breathe, Emu wraps his arms around his legs and buries his face in his knees. His eyes burn but there are no tears left to shed as his stomach roils. Lips pressing into a thin line, Emu tries to stop himself from falling into a panic attack and knows he's barely successful.

After Muteki, after Gamedeus, Emu doesn't ever want to lose Parad again. When he suffered a breakdown moments after defeating Cronus, Emu recalls that he could barely function in the days after Gamedeus and Cronus' defeat— so powerful his grief in losing Parad that it had those around him scared into leaving him alone for too long, lest he might do something reckless. Things had been especially bad when he failed to immediately resurrect Parad by using the Double X gashat like he did after Muteki. He doesn't want to go through that again.

 _Never_ _again._

That's why with that thought in mind, Emu shakily gets up and shuffles to the shower, shoves down a piece of toast then stumbles to the entrance. Once his shoes are tied, he takes a deep breath and lets it out. Emu does this a few times, giving himself a moment to gather his frayed nerves. Once he's sure that he's not gonna fall apart from the anxiety, Emu squares his shoulders and slams the door shut; running back to where he and Parad fought against Build with the Double X gashat held tightly in his hand.

Unless he has solid proof, Emu refuses to believe that Parad is dead.

When he arrives at the factory where he and Parad fought Build, he makes sure that his steps are slow and careful for each place and corner he checks. In his panic, Emu fears that he might've missed something from yesterday's search so this time, he tries to pay closer attention to where he is and where Parad could've been when he chased after Build.

 _'I should've never let you go after Build alone. Powers or no.'_ Emu stands at a doorway to a warehouse, eyes sliding around in a flicker of a glance. _'I'm not losing you, Parad. Never again.'_

Finding nothing out of place that can clue him in about Parad's whereabouts, Emu leans against the doorway and rubs his forehead as his mind whirls a mile a minute. Trying to comb through every nook and cranny of the factory will just take too much time and the longer it takes for him to find clues, the further he gets from Parad.

The only option he has left would be to try and sense Parad using the bond they share.

"It's a long shot," Emu mutters, pushing himself away from the doorway. "But it's worth a try."

Emu isn't all that keen to feel the aching nothingness where the bond used to be, but he has to try something— _anything_. At this point, it pretty much boils down to one thing: getting Parad back, safe and unharmed. He doesn't much care what rules, or how many of them, he has to break to get that done, he just wants Parad _home with him_.

Even so, at the state he's in at the moment, Emu can only hope that whatever's left in him will be enough to help him. Sliding down to the ground, he tries to stable his breathing and that for this, he needs to put some distance to his emotions. Emu has to take into account that his stress level might have a negative effect on his need to trace the bond.

"C'mon, get a hold of yourself." Closing his eyes, Emu grips the Double X gashat before gritting his teeth and concentrates. "Parad needs you."

Breath in. Breathe out.

Fall... _now_.

Emptiness greets him; cold and hollow and it takes everything in him not to scream out in agony. He _**hates**_ this. After six years of going through life feeling like he's missing an integral part of himself, Emu refuses to go back to that. He's finally warm once more and he will not let Parad be taken away from him ever again. Not by Zaizen or Kuroto or Cronus or Gamedeus.

**_No one._ **

Not even himself or his lack of powers.

He'll tear the world asunder if anyone dares to even _try_.

"Calm down. Dammit. Calm down."

Logically, he knows that he needs to be calmer than he is now. Emotionally, well, let's face it, emotionally, he's a complete mess. Has been since he woke up in a hospital after days of being in a coma from Zaizen's operation with a distinctive feeling that he was completely and utterly alone.

Yeah, that'd been fun.

It's why it hadn't been too hard to throw himself completely into his studies while he was in medical school. It had worried his teachers on occasion, seeing how manic he'd been in his pursuit of being a doctor to the point he barely had any social life and had even sometimes ignore his own health. Many said it was because he was dedicated and passionate in achieving his dream, and that while they weren't wrong, they weren't exactly _right_ either. It's not something Emu likes to admit but his recklessness had been his desperate attempt to simultaneously ignore and fill the gnawing void within him.

It took years for Emu to realise it himself that he'd been grieving.

Grief, after all, is love without a home.

And now, after so long, Emu was finally home again. He had been so alone until he came to Seito and became a part of CR. Until he met all of those he's proud to call his friends and colleagues.

Until Parad.

Even when they had been enemies, Parad; always pushing and snarking and poking at every sore spot that Emu has and a few that he didn't even know he possessed, was his nemesis that he couldn't let go of. But now, after the bugster's resurrection and the long year they've had together as partners, best friends and family, Parad has become more than that.

Parad is his heart. His soul. His everything.

His _home_.

Emu doesn't know when any of it happened, when Parad changed from being a tentative ally to being the only person Emu can tolerate being around some days, but that's just what happened. And now, the idea of going through life without Parad again is enough to make his stomach turn over, nausea thick and hot in his throat.

He remembers being alone. And he's not sure he can bear it again.

_Please. I just want Parad alive and safe and **home**._

Emu drifts.

Blackness surrounds him in an endless void. But he hasn't gotten this far just to have the person he loves most be taken away from him again. So he hopes and prays and claws his way out of the void until—

A spark. A flash of light, of tremulous gravity. The light touches him and he reels as the singularity flares to life.

_You're me and I'm you; and we are—_

_**Us.** _

_Thump._

Eyes snapping opened, Emu stutters out a gasp and clutches his heart as the golden tether he thought lost thrums within him. Screwing his eyes shut, he scrambles to grab a hold of the bond lest it slips through his fingers.

_Thump._

It's there. It's stretched thin and faint but it's _there_.

"Parad," he chokes out, hand fisting his shirt. "Parad, please, where are you?"

Inwardly, he curses at the fact that he's still so clumsy with the bond. Now that it has come to this, Emu wishes he tried to understand the bond better instead of leaving it up to Parad most of the time. Emu is Patient Zero after all, he should've tried to understand the antibody within him better so that he wouldn't be so helpless.

_'Later. Concentrate on doing what I can, now.'_

Emu isn't sure how, but as he stumbles to his feet, he holds onto the thin golden thread and follows blindly to where Parad may be. Considering how clumsy he is, Emu is surprised that he doesn't run into anything as he allows his feet to lead him. One step after another. Heart thundering in his ears, he chases after the thrum of the bond until he feels the familiar soft pulse in his head and heart; warm and soothing.

When he opens his eyes, Emu is standing in an empty narrow lane behind a warehouse. Brows furrowing, he concentrates more on the bond, tracing it back slowly before looking down at his feet to find a game console.

 _Parad's_ game console.

Emu drops to his knees and cradles the console in his hands. A clue. Neither he nor Parad are stupid; they didn't earn the title as genius gamers for nothing after all and he knows his bugster— Parad wouldn't have dropped the console he brings around everywhere he goes for no reason.

Tracing the screen, he switches it on and yelps when the surrounding area is covered in pixels before settling into a hologram— showing him _exactly_ what happened to Parad and Build.

_"Give Emu's powers back!"_

_"Wait!" Build looked back at the swirling blue portal behind him before he turned to the charging bugster and raised his arms. "Don't come any closer!"_

_Righteous anger fuelling him, Parad pulled an arm back for a punch before his eyes widened in surprise and panic when he was dragged forward by an unseen force. However, true to his reputation as a genius gamer, Parad acted lightning fast and poured a wave of pixels into his console before vanishing into the swirling vortex with Build._

The hologram freezes before dispersing into pixels, leaving him alone again.

Emu really hates being alone— hates it even more when he's without Parad.

For an instant, a fraction of an instant, Emu braces his hand against the ground to stop himself from toppling over. Whether it's relief in knowing that Parad is alive and that the only reason why Emu can't reach him is because he's somewhere far away or nauseating worry that Parad is still _missing_ and that Emu doesn't know if he's alright— he's not sure. So for this moment, he allows his head to fall forward, letting his back bow under the pressure. An instant of silent, screaming agonising panic, of nightmares that still haunt him, of raw terror drowning him like freezing water, numbing him even as it tears him apart. Then he swallows it all down, bitter and writhing and alive in his burning throat, doing his best to ignore the way his stomach roils so he won't throw up.

An instant before he grits his teeth in and takes a deep breath, lets it out and does it again until he's sure that he won't fall into a panic attack. That's not what he needs right now. With hope reignited, he rises to his feet and marches forward with grim determination because Emu's gonna bring his partner back home to him.

No matter what.


	2. Afternoon of the 23rd

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> It's hard to ask for help when Emu himself can't even admit out loud that Parad is missing out of fear that if he does, it'll make his worst fear come true.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> If you like, come scream at me on [Tumblr](https://writing-in-sin.tumblr.com) or [Twitter](https://twitter.com/Writing_in_SIN)

* * *

**SEPTEMBER 23RD, 2018: AFTERNOON**

* * *

"Emu!"

Head snapping up, Emu finds Poppy in her Asuna guise waiting by his apartment door. He stares blankly as the nurse bounds up to him, brows furrowing in concern.

"There you are!" When she's at arm's length, Poppy huffs and crosses her arms with a stern frown. "I've been looking all over for you!"

Emu blinks slowly, feeling a heaviness to his limbs that he can't shake. "Poppy..."

"I've been trying to call you since this morning but you didn't pick up. So I got worried and came here to check if you're..." Trailing off, Poppy comes close and her frown deepens. "Emu, what happened?"

"...what do you mean?" Emu croaks out, backing away to shuffle to his apartment door.

The console is heavy in his jacket pocket and Emu makes sure to grip it tight. He may have a lead and Emu will do everything he can to find a way to get Parad back, but...it doesn't change the fact that he has no idea where to even _start._

"You don't look well," Poppy says, voice quiet with worry.

Unlocking the door, he invites Poppy inside and kicks his shoes off. "I'm fine."

"No, you're really not," Poppy refutes and there's the sound of shuffling behind him as Poppy follows him deeper into the apartment. "You don't have to tell me what happened but please at least talk to—"

"I said I'm _fine_ , Poppy." When Poppy falls silent at his sharp tone, Emu sighs as he runs a hand through his hair. "Sorry. I just need to..."

What does he need to do? Should he involve CR? The Ministry? Or maybe reach out to other Riders if they've ever heard or seen Build? Then again...maybe he should check the hologram again and see if there's something else that Parad left behind for him? A way to trace his location maybe?

"Where's Parad?" Jolting in surprise, Emu stares at Poppy as she grips his arms and this close, he can see the worry in his friend's eyes as she gives him a firm shake. "Emu, where is Parad?"

 _'That's what I'd like to know,'_ he thinks hysterically. _'I want my best friend back. I want my **home** back.'_

"He's not here right now," he says instead. ( _Gone. Missing. Give him back. Give him back to me!)_ "Parad is...he's just—"

Eyes softening when he can't even finish his sentence, Poppy gently guides him to sit on the couch which he more or less fall onto it as exhaustion seeps into his bones.

"Did something happened between you two?" Poppy asks, rubbing his back as Emu buries his face into his hands. "Did you and Parad had a fight?"

"...right now, I kinda wish we did."

At least then he'd know where Parad could be.

When they first started their tentative alliance, he and Parad had a lot of issues to go through and because of that, they had many, _many_ screaming matches. And while it'd been good for them in the end, it was still a painful ordeal they had to go through. And on the rare occasions when they _do_ fight nowadays, they've learned to resolve it together after they've cooled down their tempers. They both have their own ways and places to hide away when they need to. And they've both have since made sure that they would know where exactly the other is in case of emergencies.

And he's checked all of Parad's haunts and still, he couldn't find any clues that he can add to the hologram.

"Emu..."

He raises his head and looks at Poppy, sees the tears glistening in her eyes and feels his own eyes burn in response.

Emu is well aware that considering circumstances, he'll need help eventually. But, still. It's hard to ask for help when Emu himself can't even admit out loud that Parad is missing out of fear that if he does, it'll make his worst fear come true. Call him superstitious but he can't help it— it's _Parad._

However, it's _because_ it's Parad that Emu is willing to do his best in swallowing down the paralyzing terror that threatens to claw out of his chest, and turns to Poppy.

"I don't know where he is, Poppy," he chokes out, words tumbling from his lips like shards tearing his throat. Emu swallows down the bile of panic and the terror, tries to remember how to breathe despite knowing he won't be able to do it right until Parad is safe with him again. "Parad is _missing_ and I don't know where he is."

Poppy's eyes widen in surprise.

"Missing?" The word is said slowly with an aching stillness in Poppy's voice, and Emu tries not to take it as a body blow because hearing it out loud from someone else makes it more real; more worse. Then Poppy's gaze sets firmly, her tone lowering gently, cautiously, as if she can see how much of a mess Emu really is. "Start from the beginning."

So he tells her, words stilted and halting. From the call about the patient to Build ambushing them to Parad's disappearance and Emu's subsequent desperate, frantic search. Reluctantly, he also tells Poppy about the state of the bond— not because Emu doesn't trust Poppy but because even talking about the current state of the bond causes him actual physical pain and there are moments when he has to stop because Emu feels physically ill enough to throw up. Through it all, Poppy patiently listens to him; a hand on his back as she offers her support whenever his hands shake too much or when he breathes a little too fast.

Bless her beautiful heart.

Not for the first time, Emu is so, so grateful to have someone amazing as Poppy as one of his closest friends.

When there's nothing else that needs to be told, he's left exhausted and shaking. His face feels numb and blotchy from tears Emu doesn't realise he's shed until Poppy pushes a few tissues to his hand. Wiping his face as clean as he can, Emu allows himself to be pulled into a hug and he buries his face into Poppy's shoulder with a whine.

He's so _tired._

"This is such a Pipopapo Panic," Poppy murmurs worriedly, fingers running through his hair before she takes a deep breath, and Emu can hear the wobble, the sound of suppressed tears in her breathing. "Even if he's missing, there's no way Parad wouldn't find a way to contact us— _you_ especially." The bugster tightens her hold on him. "But the fact that he hasn't and considering the state of the bond..."

"Yeah." Emu sucks in a slow, pained breath and rubs a hand over his face before raising his arms to return the hug and futilely tries to ignore how badly he's shaking. "He's in a place where I can't reach him."

**_Why!?_ **

_Why does this keep happening!? Why is Parad constantly being taken away from him!?_

"I just want him home, Poppy," he shudders out, clutching his friend's uniform with white-knuckled fists. "I just want my _home_ back."

He's lost his home so many times before, Emu doesn't want to lose him again.

"We'll find a way, Emu." Poppy cradles his head like a shield and whispers softly to him as she rocks them gently. "You're not alone, Emu— I'm here and so are our friends." Pulling back slightly, Poppy cups his face and gives him a determined look that he recognises. It's a look that can cow even the most vicious of people. "Parad is one of us, so you can bet that we'll do whatever we can to bring him back."

"Poppy..." he whispers, hoarse.

Poppy boops his nose with a gentle smile. "It may not be the same way as you but we all care about Parad too, okay?" Smile turning lopsided, his friend giggles. "I'd like to think that we've come a long way since Chronicle."

It's a surprise but at the same time, Emu can't deny the truth in that. It's been a long year since Chronicle ended but it's been a year filled with many good progress. In medicine. In teamwork. In relationships.

In _healing._

Rocky beginnings have slowly smoothed over; turning grudging colleagues into trusted allies and friends. Parad and even Kuroto; both former enemies have taken steps into bettering themselves (although in Kuroto's case, it's done more reluctantly). CR has since become more reliable and day by day, they're getting closer in bringing back those who were lost in both Zero Day and Chronicle.

Yes, there's no denying they've all come a long way.

None of them are allies through circumstances anymore because somehow, somewhere along the way, they've all become friends. Family even.

And that reminder assuages some of that tight noose of fear around his neck and Emu closes his eyes. "We really have."

"So don't carry everything on your own, okay?" Poppy states firmly, hands on his shoulders.

Emu blinks opened his eyes and stares at Poppy for a long while, still exhausted and sick with worry but the noose around his neck and the accompanying pressure in his lungs have receded somewhat— allowing him an easier time to breathe. He still can't do it right; not when Parad is still missing but it's more bearable now, knowing that he's not facing this alone.

"Okay," he whispers, head dipping into a nod as his shoulders slump. "Okay."

He is so, so _tired._

* * *

After sending Emu to the bathroom to clean up from the harrowing two days he's no doubt had, Poppy stands by the kitchen counter and waits for the water to boil.

Missing.

Parad is _missing._

Biting her lip, Poppy rubs her burning eyes before she wrings her hands and finally allows the worry that she's been holding back for Emu's sake to resurface.

Ever since she and Parad were revived and worked in CR together, they've since grown closer and after a long year together, Poppy can honestly say that Parad has become one of her closest and cherished friends. To know that he's missing— in a way that had caused the bond between him and Emu to stretch so thin that Emu himself briefly thought Parad had died is extremely worrying.

The boiler clicks and she shakes out of her thoughts to carefully pour out some tea for them to drink, if nothing else, than to help calm them down somewhat. After all, it's not going to do anyone any good if they have a Pipopapo Panic right now.

Literally, in Emu's case.

It hurts seeing Emu so shaken that there'd been several times when Poppy worried that the intern would fall into a panic attack. It's unfortunate but they've all suffered some after effects caused by the Chronicle in one way or another. But Emu and Parad...they both have a more visceral reaction; likely because the lost of their connection was extremely traumatic for them— so much so that it took them weeks to be able to be apart from one another without going into an anxiety attack.

Things were getting better and now... _this_ happened.

Although she wasn't there to know about Emu's condition and state of mind after Parad's death, Poppy was eventually made aware of it from Hinata Kyoutarou when the Deputy General asked her to check on Emu's health a little before Parad's resurrection. It worries her that Emu is showing similar symptoms from those days— more so because Poppy knows Emu; knows that her friend is stubborn enough to ignore the pain until it catches up to him in the worst way possible just like when Emu got overwhelmed by the Dragon Hunter Z gashat.

Piyeru...

Walking towards the refrigerator, she takes out pre-made food in tupperwares that she knows Parad made especially for Emu to eat. The sight of it makes her smile slightly at least. It's such a relief to see how much has changed since the first time she visited Emu's apartment.

The first time she came to the apartment for an inspection and background check as required for recruiting anyone into CR, it'd been clean yet packed with medical journals and games. But even though it looked well lived, it lacked... _warmth_ somehow— showing that it was just a place to live and not a home. Temporary and no personal touches.

In fact, there hadn't been any photos; either of Emu or his friends and family.

It took her awhile to realise it but over time, she notices that Emu rarely ever talks about himself and that despite the fact that he's always near enough to offer help, Emu has a tendency to put people at arm's length. Poppy knows that Emu is fiercely independent and incredibly stubborn but she only knew until much later that those traits are a result of something painful that she isn't privy to despite wanting to ask so badly.

_"He'll tell you when he's ready, Poppy." The taller bugster sat on the couch in CR, watching over Emu as he slumbered on Parad's lap, exhausted from a difficult case in paediatrics. "Just give him time."_

_Poppy wrung her hands, staring helplessly at her friend. "But he's **hurting** , Parad."_

_She remembered when Emu stormed into CR, tight lipped and simmering with righteous fury. In an odd contrast, Parad had stood quietly beside the doctor and guided him to lie on the couch. Even when he finally calmed down and drifted off, Emu refused to let Parad go._

_"He is." When the doctor whimpered in his sleep, Parad dipped down to press a kiss to Emu's forehead, calming the tired human down with ease. When the older bugster raised his head, she saw that Parad looked terribly sad. "For a very long time now."_

_Poppy slumped, bunching up her skirt in frustration. "Then how can I help when he doesn't want it?"_

_"It's not that he doesn't want it," Parad corrected, running his fingers through Emu's hair as he tilted his head in thought. "It's just that he doesn't know how to ask."_

_Poppy looked to Emu and felt her heart twisting as she wondered what could've caused Emu to flounder so badly when it came to asking for help. "Oh..."_

_"What you **can** do is to make sure that he knows that you're always gonna be here for him." Parad smiled at her, gentle in a way that was so different yet similar to Emu at the same time. "That you're here to stay even if you're far apart."_

Poppy putters into the living room and sees the stark difference from two years ago.

There are pillows and blankets on the couches, photographs of their friends lining the walls, which have even been painted in a mix of calm teal and fiery orange that should've clashed horribly yet fit so beautifully well— just like the two people living in the apartment. Across the way, game consoles and messes of wires crowd the TV, along with posters of Mighty, popular video games, and a couple of movies.

No, it certainly doesn't feel temporary anymore.

As she waits for the food to heat up in the microwave, Poppy trails her fingers over the pictures on the walls and smiles fondly at all the shenanigans she and her friends got caught up in; most of those times are because of Parad, Nico and Kiriya's combined mischief to everyone's exasperation.

Poppy stops at her favourite; a group photo they took on New Year's day with all of them dressed up in traditional clothes for Hatsumode— the first of many. Her eyes fall to the two in the middle. Like Yin and Yang, both Parad and Emu wore matching yet contrasting clothing, arms around each other with beaming smiles on their faces. Yet now...

One is missing.

And the other is falling apart.

Lips pressed into a thin line, Poppy sniffs and feels a few stray tears streaming down her face as she brushes her fingers across Parad's stilled image.

"Wherever you are, please be safe, Parad," she whispers. "We'll get you back home to us— to Emu. That's a Pipopapo _Promise."_

And when it comes to people she cares about, Poppy _always_ keeps her promises.

Hearing movements behind her, Poppy turns to find a pyjama wearing Emu shuffling in and she feels a bit of worry easing that there's some colour back to Emu's too pale face.

"Emu?" When her friend looks at her, slow and weary, Poppy tries to smile and gestures to the microwave as the delicious smell of food permits the air. "I heated up dinner for you. Would you like to eat?"

Emu's face briefly crumples before he ducks his head, shaking it slowly side to side and mumbles. "Sorry, but I'm not hungry, Poppy."

Poppy frowns, knowing that it isn't exactly true especially since it's Parad's cooking. Poppy _knows_ that the older bugster's cooking is Emu's absolute favourite and that even when he's exhausted, Emu could literally inhale it considering how much he loves it. But then again...since the one who cooked it is currently missing, Poppy can't really blame Emu for not having the appetite.

Still...

"You need to eat, Emu," she implores, taking Emu's hand and squeezing it. "You need to build up your strength after the day you've had."

Emu turns his face away. "...maybe later. I just want to sleep for a bit."

Poppy watches, helpless as Emu slips out of her hold and shuffles over to the couch before collapsing onto it in a heap of tired limbs.

Biting her lip, Poppy feels her worry mounting and walks over to kneel beside the intern. Placing a hand on a shoulder, she gently shakes it and tries again. "Emu, please..."

The human only curls into a ball, the Double X gashat and Parad's console gripped tightly in his hands as his arms wrap around his middle like he's trying to shield himself.

Eyes burning, she looks around, desperately trying to find something that can help her help Emu. She sees the warmth of the apartment, sees the photos lining the walls, sees the people that are an integral part of their lives. Friends. Colleagues. Mentors—

No, not only a mentor.

A _father._

She makes her decision.

Giving Emu's shoulder a reassuring squeeze, Poppy makes her way into the kitchen and fishes out her phone. Determined, she pulls up the name of the only person outside of Parad that Emu will listen to without question and waits for the call to go through.

_Click._

"Hinata-shingikan?" Poppy begins, jaw set. "Emu needs you."


	3. Evening of the 23rd

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> As Emu lets out a choked sob, Kyoutarou closes his eyes and tightens his hold on his son and readies himself for the inevitable fall.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> If you like, come scream at me on [Tumblr](https://writing-in-sin.tumblr.com) or [Twitter](https://twitter.com/Writing_in_SIN)

* * *

**SEPTEMBER 23RD, 2018: EVENING**

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Kyoutarou runs like his life depends on it.

While he's generally a calm person, Kyoutarou can admit there are a few things that can make him lose his composure.

One of them of course, is his son.

While it's true that they're not blood related but, as far as he's concerned, Houjou Emu is his son and damn if anyone or anything tries to bring harm to the boy that he's done his best to protect. When Emu was younger, they stayed in contact through emails, calls and New Year shrine visits. However, if there's one good thing about the Game Disease, it's that recent years have allowed them both to better stay in contact. And try as he might, Kyoutarou can no longer deny the fact that Emu has become his son rather than a former patient or student.

And right now, that son is hurting and he needs to be there for him ASAP.

"Please wait, Hinata-shingikan!" an attendant calls out behind him. "The dinner meeting with Ayanokouji-sama...!"

"Cancel it and reschedule for another time," he says briskly, almost tearing the car door opened in his haste. "I have a family emergency."

"Sir...!"

One should never get in between a worried father and his son.

Forgoing a driver or bodyguard entirely (considering that Poppy is there, Kyoutarou has nothing to worry about regarding his safety or Emu's), he slams the gas pedal and weaves through the traffic towards the Houjou's residence like a man on a mission.

Once he sees the familiar apartment building in sight, Kyoutarou quickly locks the car and finds Poppy waiting for him by the entrance. Exchanging brisk nods, he braces himself to be teleported directly into the genkan and almost stumbles to the floor before Poppy deftly catches him by the elbow.

"Thank you, Poppy," he says once the brief dizziness fades away.

Poppy nods with a strained smile.

Kicking off his shoes, Kyoutarou pads into the living room and feels his heart constricting painfully in his chest when he spots Emu curled into a tight ball on the sofa.

Lips pressed into a thin line, Kyoutarou looks to Poppy and sees the usually bubbly busgter wringing her hands in worry. Not that he can blame her. The sight of Emu as he is now is unfortunately a little too familiar to Kyoutarou; recalling with a sense of dread and worry that the only one who can invoke such a reaction is the person Emu loves most.

_'Parad,'_ he thinks fervently as he kneels beside the couch. _'Wherever you are, please be safe.'_

The past year has been thankfully kind to those of CR, especially in regards to mending bridges and forging better bonds. At first, he wasn't sure what to think of the Progenitor of the Bugster race but since Parad was vouched by both Emu and Poppy, he decided to put his faith in Parad, hoping for the best.

Kyoutarou can say that he's grateful that he did.

Despite the mess that both Dan Masamune and Dan Kuroto brought upon them using Y2K, he's relieved to see that they've all risen up to be better than what circumstances had forced them to be. More than anything, he's thankful that Emu regained his other half after years of separation and pain— pleasantly surprised by the fact that Parad has grown to be an invaluable ally and even a student to Kyoutarou.

And as someone who considers Emu as his own son, Kyoutarou is even more grateful to see all the life Parad has breathed into Emu; his presence allowing Emu to heal and thrive in ways no one else would be able to accomplish.

So it's taking a lot for him to keep it together when he sees Emu in such pain along with not knowing about Parad's own safety or whereabouts.

Kyoutarou hopes that he'll be enough to help.

Placing a hand on the doctor's shoulder, Kyoutarou gives it a gentle shake. "Emu."

It takes him a couple of tries, an eternity of silence, before Emu finally turns over to blink up at him.

"...Kyoutarou-sensei?" Emu croaks out, voice hoarse as his brows draw together in confusion. "What are you doing here?"

Kyoutarou tries to smile, hopes that it's not as fake as he feels it to be. "Poppy called me." He shifts to sit beside Emu when the young man (but in his eyes will always be that small, hopeful child) sits up to give him room. "She filled me in about what happened."

"I'm fine," Emu mumbles, pocketing what looks to be a game console and gashat into his hoodie pocket; shoulders tense while wrinkling the fabric of his pants with white knuckles.

They both know that's a lie.

Kyoutarou leans back against the couch, a hand on Emu's back. "It's okay if you're not, Emu."

"I have to be, Kyoutarou-sensei. I—" Emu's pauses, breath hitching in a way that indicates Emu is trying to hold back a sob. "We need to figure out a way to get Parad back."

Poppy joins them on the couch, sitting on Emu's other side before placing a comforting hand on Emu's knee.

"Yes, we do," Poppy agrees softly. "But we can't do that if we don't take care of ourselves, Emu." Tipping Emu's head up, Poppy gives the doctor a stern look. "You know Parad wouldn't want you to neglect your health for his sake."

Kyoutarou may not be able to see Emu's expression from where he sits but he can tell that Emu is struggling from the way his shoulders are drawn up to his ears.

"I know." Without warning, Emu jumps to his feet and paces around the living room. There's a manic glint in Emu's eyes as he ruffles his hair into disarray. "But I just...I can't _breathe_ right. I promised Parad that he'd never be alone again— that we'd never be separated again. So why does this keep _happening!?"_

He and Poppy jump slightly when the tail end of Emu's words are raised into something alarmingly shrill; high and strained, hysteria caught in the tone.

Not good.

"I don't know, Emu."

Not for the first time, Kyoutarou wishes he can just stop the world from hurting both Emu and Parad. The two have suffered for years— he wants nothing more than for the two origins to finally heal after all they've been through.

"What I _do_ know is that wherever he is, Parad will never stop finding his way back to us." Carefully, he rises up from the couch to slowly approach the younger doctor and gently places his hands on trembling shoulders. "Do you know why?"

Emu shakes his head and, try as he might, Kyoutarou can see that Emu is rapidly losing the battle. It hurts. He wonders for how long has Emu tried to keep his calm with Parad's safety on the line.

"Because you are his _home_ , Emu," Kyoutarou states as he gives Emu a light shake. "If it's hard to believe in anything else then, believe in that— believe that Parad will always come home to _you."_

He barely manages to catch the young doctor when Emu buckles before he collapses to his knees.

Behind him, Poppy jumps up from the couch and rushes to help support Emu from the other side. When Emu begins to shiver, they trade a worried glance over Emu's head before Poppy leans down to catch Emu's eye.

"If your positions were reversed, would you want Parad to run himself ragged until he's sick?" Poppy implores, rubbing circles against Emu's back as the doctor continues to shiver. "Would you want to see him hurting himself for your sake?"

Emu immediately shakes his head as he chokes out. "No— never."

Taking a chance, Kyoutarou carefully gathers Emu into his arms not unlike a parent trying to give comfort to his distressed child. Emu stiffens in his hold, and for a moment, Kyoutarou worries that the young doctor will flinch away. Thankfully, Emu slowly relaxes until most of his weight rests against Kyoutarou; to his relief.

"Then," he takes over for Poppy when Emu's shivering worsens. "You should know that it's the same for him too, wouldn't it?"

Emu nods jerkily, breaths still coming out in stuttering gasps. Although he rather avoids it, Kyoutarou thinks that letting Emu control and suppress his panic might not be the best course of action at the moment. The stress is building up with no outlet and causing more harm than good.

"But it's just _so hard_ , Kyoutarou-sensei." Emu clutches his head with a whimper. "I don't know what to do or how to bring him back. Waiting is..."

As Emu lets out a choked sob, Kyoutarou closes his eyes and tightens his hold on his son and readies himself for the inevitable fall.

* * *

Emu tries to focus on the here and now, to find some reassurance in Kyoutarou-sensei's and Poppy's presence, but the silence within the bond he shares with Parad makes it difficult to breathe until his hands are shaking and his throat is closing up as a result. There's a headache pounding in his head so hard he gets dizzy for a few seconds; feeling goosebumps on his skin and a pit in the bottom of his stomach that only seems to worsen as the seconds tick by.

Closing his eyes, Emu tries to balance his feelings, but it only serves to remind him of the aching hollowness within him and he feels bile rising up in his throat as his eyes well with tears of panic and frustration.

"That's true." At this point, Kyoutarou-sensei's voice is becoming more distant. "Waiting and not doing anything is always the hardest part."

"But this isn't like that!" Poppy refutes as she cradles his hand.

Kyoutarou-sensei tightens his hold on him, rocking them back and forth not unlike how a parent would do for their child. It used to make him incredibly jealous that others have their parents doing these simple yet precious acts of affection but he finds that he doesn't need to be anymore now. Years have been kinder and even though he grew up without a father, Emu still managed to somehow gain one in Hinata Kyoutarou.

"Taking care of yourself is just as important," Kyoutarou-sensei whispers, hand smoothing down Emu's mussed up hair. "Because you'll need all the strength you can get to find a way to bring Parad home."

_Give him back!_

It feels too similar to the time after Parad sacrificed himself. Back then, there had been moments when Emu thinks that he wasn't completely _sane_ anymore in those agonising days.

_Stop taking Parad away from me already!_

"I know that."

Emu takes a deep breath and tries to find the right words to explain what he's feeling, but they get caught in his throat and he ends up just listening to himself wheeze, trying to recover his breath, to stop the heavy, loud drumming of his hollowed heart in his chest, but it doesn't. Squeezing his eyes shut, Emu tries to focus and regain some semblance of control, but his head is pounding and not helping matters at all. He doesn't realize that Poppy is calling his name until she gives him a good shake.

"In my head, I know all of that." His voice is rough, and utterly miserable. "But I'm just—"

He just wants Parad safe and home with him again. Is that too much to ask!?

He wants his Heart back!

"It's alright to not be okay, Emu." Kyoutarou-sensei's voice is soft and patient yet worried before his mentor sighs as he hugs Emu close. "Let go."

Stress is mounting, and he thinks he's hyperventilating. Or maybe he's having an anxiety attack. Panic attack? He's not sure.

Honestly, it's hard to tell since his breath is loud in his ears yet barely filling his lungs. Emu feels lightheaded, yet it feels as if there's some invisible weight pushing him down

_I want Parad safe and home with me. **Please!**_

He's choked up, and his vision is swimming. The harrowing pain, panic and fear are hanging over him and it hits him like the worst sort of Critical Finish; the stress of being ambushed, losing Parad and the muted bond. All of it makes noise in his head; like static building up, and he has the fleeting worrying thought that he's going to blackout any second now purely because of his body deciding to give up on the stress.

"Let go, Emu." Kyoutarou-sensei's voice is nothing more than a faint echo now. "Let go so you can be back on your feet again."

His body jerks and then, he's falling.

Kyoutarou-sensei's holds him up while Poppy burrows into his side as Emu's whole body collapses, falling to ruin.

He doesn't recognize the sounds he's making, thick and uneven and animalistic, gasps and chokes as he struggles to draw breath. Everything is flooding out of him, too fast, too hard for him to suck in breath, and he's sobbin— no...sobbing is too gentle a word for it. Emu is _howling_ , his whole body rocking with the force of it, tears rolling out of him as he cries like a child while Kyoutarou-sensei and Poppy hold him through it all.

They hold him until it passes; until his voice is raw and he's numb with bone deep exhaustion that swallows him down into the black.

_I don't want to go through life without Parad anymore! Please stop taking him away from me!_

There are moments when he'd regain consciousness but Emu is quick to fall back into oblivion; his exhaustion and stress still stronger than his desire to face the world. In those brief moments though, he's roused just enough to be aware when a soft, fatherly kiss is pressed to his forehead while a dainty hand clutches his own in a gentle grip.

"Try to rest, Emu," Kyoutarou-sensei whispers.

Poppy squeezes his hand. "We'll find a way, Emu. Together."

Emu wants to respond, but the covers are electrifyingly warm, the pillows are soft and smell of Parad, the sway of a hammock is familiar and Emu can't think of a single reason not to go back to sleep.

How much longer he sleeps, he has no idea, but when Emu wakes up, the room is dark as he lies wrapped in a cocoon of warmth within Parad's hammock that's parallel across his own bed. Emu isn't entirely sure but he thinks that he may have been lucid enough to express his vehemence on resting somewhere he'd find the most comforting at the moment. He'd be surprised by where he is if it isn't for the fact that he and Parad have a habit of sneaking into each other's beds and sharing sleeping space.

Shifting slightly, Emu feels a slight tug and sting on his hand and when he looks down to check, he finds that he's set up on a drip. That...makes sense. He hasn't eaten or drank much since this whole mess happened after all.

Surprisingly, it seems like he slept better and deeper than he ever expects, and despite the tension and anxiety of the night before, Emu feels rested. Stiff and terribly sore, but rested. At least his headache is gone and his limbs don't feel as if they're made of lead anymore. He carefully turns to rest on his side, comforted by the slight sway of the hammock from the action. Burrowing into the blankets, Emu takes out Parad's console and Double X gashat from his hoodie pocket and hugs them close to him with a sigh.

The bedroom is dark, and he feels calmer. Terribly lonely but, calmer.

He hasn't had an attack that bad in ages. It worries him endlessly of how Parad is doing at wherever he is; if there's someone that can help his best friend from the separation they're both suffering.

Eyes clenching shut, Emu buries his face into the pillow under him.

"Be safe and know that I'll find a way to bring you home, Parad." It's still too hard to breathe and his chest is still too hollow, but there's grim determination set into his bones and crimson around the edges of his vision as he swears with a snarl. "I promise."

And damn anyone who gets in his way.


End file.
